The Blog of a Girl Who Killed Herself

In November, a Tsinghua undergraduate killed herself by jumping out of a building. She kept a blog. After her death, a friend of mine read her blog — as did a few thousand other people — and told me it was full of sadness. My friend, a Tsinghua student, was puzzled that the friends and family of the dead girl had read her blog and done nothing. Will you translate some of it for me? I asked my friend (who translates other things for me). She begged off. I was puzzled: Surely the girl had wanted others to read what she had written, I thought.
I found another translator. After a few minutes of translation I had to stop: It was unbearably sad, maybe the saddest writing I’ve ever come across. I could see why my friend didn’t want to translate it.

Here is one entry. It takes the form of a questionnaire:

Question 1: Which student phase [primary school, middle school, high school, college] do you miss the most?

Answer: High school. Get together with a lot of friends. I know where I should go, even if it turns out to be wrong.

Question 2: Talk about your current life.

Answer: Listless. Feel half asleep. Do not want to wake up. I want to kill the people who wake me up. I love this world. I live for my goal.

Question 3: Do you have dreams? What are they?

Answer: I have many dreams. Make a movie . . . performance art [she was an art major]. Her [she was gay]. Forgive me. Dream this day will come. Believe.

Question 4: Which kind of friend do you like best?

Answer: Any kind is fine. Understanding me a prerequisite.

Question 5: Could you give up going back to your hometown to be with your parents, to be with your lover?

Answer: No.

Question 6: What do you most want to do right now?
Answer: Sleep, dream. Find her. Just dream, do not want to meet anyone.

Question 7: Up until now, what is your happiest event?

Answer: I didn’t lose my past.

p.s. I don’t want any blessing. [A custom/game among Chinese teenagers is that after you answer a few questions you are "blessed" by your questioner.] Wish everyone happiness. Don’t ask me these boring questions again.

News of the girl’s death was posted on the student forums. What was the response? I asked my friend. Most of the comments were “Bless,” she said. The English word bless. That’s a customary thing to say when you learn someone has died.

3 Responses to “The Blog of a Girl Who Killed Herself”

  1. 1 Says:

    interesting you put this post. i actually had thought of attempting suicide last monday because i hate my job at uc berkeley and i don’t want to work. can you believe it? everytime i come across suicidal ideation i tell people and nobody does nothing. i just never tell my therapist when i feel this way because he’ll put me in the hospital! and then i’ll end up in the psych dept at my regular hospital and have to face all the doctors and psychologists and nurses who had seen me doing so well in the past. i can’t face them when i had been doing so well and then all of a sudden want to hurt myself. i would feel so embarrassed…

    once when i wanted to hurt myself, i went to boston university er and the nurse sent me back out and said, “you’re not gonna drown in the charles river, it’s frozen.” (it was winter and i was new in town and i wanted to commit suicide by falling into the charles, a river next to MIT)

    although i’ve seen some of the best doctors and know some wonderful psychologists and lcsw, i’ve never once gotten a convincing answer to my question: why should i not kill myself?

    i’m not suicidal anymore, but like my anxiety, the desire to hurt myself always comes back. it has haunted me for 10 years now….

    i don’t mean to offend anyone, but this blog entry you wrote, seth, does not seem sad to me….

  2. Anthony Says:

    1, you might want to read these 2 books, they might have some useful ideas:

    http://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Master-Anxiety-Overcome-Obsessions/dp/1899398813/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1228666131&sr=8-1

    and

    http://www.amazon.co.uk/depression-Fast-Human-Givens-Approach/dp/1899398414/ref=pd_bxgy_b_text_b

    If you hate your job, it might be a source of a lot of stress for you – and it might make sense to instead find something that you love doing, where you can also make money at it.

  3. Quercki M. Singer Says:

    California suicide hotlines.
    http://www.suicidehotlines.com/california.html